Martial Arts training instills manners by the very nature of its protocol. Students must greet their Instructors by bowing, saying hello, and making eye contact when in dialog. They must listen, respond, and try their best to immediately follow the instructions given. Sounds good, doesn't it? Yet, often a student is respectful in the dojo (karate school), and turns into a completely different child when going home with mom. So, what happens? Manners don't just happen. They are a set of rules taught within society from adult to child. So, when did the kids start taking over? Was it when the adults decided to give their child everything they always wanted when they were young, or was it when the nannies started raising the kids and the absentee parent was too tired to discipline their child when they got home? It is easy to judge when looking from the outside in. Kids are constantly seeking their boundaries by pushing our buttons. So what can a struggling, busy parent do? Try this: Motivate with praise - When you see a desired response from your child, praise them for their behavior. Timing is everything - If you see a behavior you do not like, tell your child immediately what it is you do not like - without putting your child down. Say it only once - Give your child a warning for rude behavior, and let them know you are only going to say it once. Let them know there will be a consequence if they repeat the behavior and then; the hardest part, stick to what you say. Discipline with grace - Make an agreement with your child for any discipline. Let them decide with you as to what it should be. If they are engaged, they are more likely to remember it the next time. Make it fair - Don't exaggerate a discipline because you are angry in the moment; such as, "that's it, no TV for a month!" Take a breath - or two - and agree to a consequence that is fair to the action. Maybe you need to cool off for awhile before deciding. Often, we end up yelling at our kids out of anger, and regret it later. Later is often too late. The damage is done. We see the hurt in our child's eyes and we become determined not to repeat the episode again. But, without addressing the sequence of behavior for both parties involved, it will probably repeat itself. Most of us don't have time to read parenting manuals on how to teach our children manners effectively. We learn by trial and error - usually error - and we simply try our best. Children are our best teachers. They are little mirrors reflecting back to us whatever it is we need to learn - whether it's patience, kindness, or honesty, they will show us where we are weak. So if you are not going to read a manual on black belt parenting, then listen to what your children are telling you about yourself through their behavior. If you want your children to have manners, you must set the example. When meeting someone, look them in the eyes when you say hello. Say thank you and please. Ask people you know what you can do for them. Instead of yelling across the house, disrupting everyone else with your immediate drama, walk over to the person you want to talk to and speak to them personally. Become the role model for manners. Maybe make it a game. Have your child count all the manners they see you show in one day and visa versa. Kids love games and contests, so try playing "pass the manners, please" and see who wins. Hmm, somehow, I think everyone wins at this game. Dawn Barnes, 3rd degree black belt in Shotokan karate, owns four dojos in Los Angeles called Dawn Barnes Karate Kids. Along with overseeing her 1200 kids, Sensei Dawn writes on topics of parenting, teaching manuals for instructors, and a children's book series called The Black Belt Club, by Scholastic Publishing, in stores January 2005. Email: dawn@karatekids.net